HOW ARE OUR MEN

“You, fine boy, sweet boy, babes love you, like… a really cool dude. (If someone is fine, let’s say it. Don’t take this the other way. We are just saying what it is, that’s all.) We were talking and He was like… ah, He is actually depressed. That was difficult to believe because He is an intelligent person, he has lots of friends, everything seems like everything is going well. So what can be the problem?”

This is how this started. Recently, very very recently. I was chatting with a friend. One thing led to another and he shared that he was depressed. First response was I didn’t believe him because my perspective went: You, fine boy, sweet boy, babes love you, like… a really cool dude. (If someone is fine, let’s say it. Don’t take this the other way. I am just saying what it is, that’s all.) We were talking and He was like… ah, He is actually depressed. That was difficult to believe because He is an intelligent person, he has lots of friends, everything seems like everything is going well. So what can be the problem?...

He said that’s the way it looks and the thing is most times when you tell people that maybe you are depressed as a guy, first of all, they won’t even believe you and even if they do believe you, its like no one really wants to acknowledge that truly something may be wrong. He said most times people concentrate a lot on women with all these women empowerment talks and no one actually does anything for men.

This made me pause to think a little. The question stood in the air, what are we actually doing for men, young men?. In a conversation with another friend, I asked, Are we doing anything to check for their mental health?. “A few guys had commited suicide lately, the most recent suicide had been from guys. Not that females hadn’t been commiting suicide but that the most recent ones had been from guys.”

She interjected that it had come especially “from guys whom one would never think of doing such a thing”. Guys that look very okay and then its like they commit suicide. why?, what happened? The male friend I had the initial conversation with happens actually to know one of the guys that commited suicide so he really felt it. He was like… He is also depressed and He doesn’t know what was in the mind of the guy who eventually commited suicide. The ultimate question I posed to this friend was “what do you think is the issue? What could be the problem with our guys?”

She shared that we expect so much from guys that we never see them to be "like weaker vessels". Guys are bigger babies on some level. No offence intended to guys reading. We expect so much from guys that we want them to have everything sorted out. We don’t want them to feel down, we don’t expect them to feel down. That is what an average lady expects from a guy. I added that this expectation comes even from the society as well. This she agreed to and said when she relates with guys, although not all the time, she expects that they have everything going.

When she hears something like “I’m down”, she goes “which down? Oga, park” and doesn’t take them seriously when they say some things. That was a valid point which I agreed to. We refuse to allow them acknowledge or we refuse to acknowledge that they actually might not be okay emotionally or mentally. We don’t let them… like even if a guy says “I am not…” one tends not to agree. She added that we don’t take them seriously and she has so many guy friends that try to share their emotional state but she goes “oga, park, who are you deceiving”

This was exactly my first reaction when my friend tried to share that he was depressed. My response was “what’s wrong with you? Stop playing joor. You, how can you be depressed?. This is what they encounter everytime. No surprises there, they don’t like to speak up. Have you noticed?

She added "if I am coming to meet you as a guy, and you already know that I expect so much from you. Not necessarily funds, not necessarily emotions. It can just be any kind of expectation, I expect you to have something, everything figured out to be 100 percent on the edge. And you on the other hand, are feeling so down, low, you are already getting or feeling depressed and you are looking at this girl that this babe is expecting so much from me.

How will I bring myself to that level to now open up to her? She will not even take me seriously". This makes so many guys keep to themselves and they don’t share how they feel, they don’t share their emotions and its not surprising that we see so many frosh guys killing themselves now.

(I mumbled, “Please o, let our husbands not go and kill themselves oo. She jokingly replied, my husband don’t kill yourself oo, I’m here for you oo, I am not expecting anything from you oo . I’m here)

She commented concerning the last guy that committed suicide, this guy is fine, he has a business. We focus on everything physical but no one knows what was going on. I agreed that we don’t know what is actually going on because they don’t have any place to unburden, no conducive environment. She agreed that there was no landing ground for them. We exchanged that the family expects, the girlfriend expects and themselves want to be “The man”. There’s also that ego.

TWTsBlog: thank you for saying that, the things that are in my mind to say, you are just… God bless you for me.

Guest: O pi pi; o pi pi. (chuckles, sorry) (we both laughed)

TWTsBlog: But you see, also the ego is featuring. They also want to maintain like… I’m doing alright. But I feel like there is more we probably can do to make them feel at home enough to come out and express

Guest: suffering and smiling
TWTsBlog: I feel like sometimes they are working so hard but sometimes, our guys are not very certain about how things will eventually turn out. Some of them are entrepreneurs, there is pressure of business and there is also that pressure to maintain what it looks like(appearances), people think they are successfull

Guest: so even when it is not going well, they still have to keep up with that same look that “Oh, I’m okay, everything is moving smoothly”
TWTsBlog: They don’t talk, there’s no place to talk even if they wanted to and no one is actually asking.

Guest: Well, there could be a place to talk if… I know that we are not trying to play the game here but most of the time, there is always a landing ground for guys but they have messed it up and… once you mess it up, you will now be looking for who to… The lady that was available, not necessarily someone you are dating, can just be a very close friend, you have used one thing, one thing, one thing to destroy that relationship.

Do not do anything based on your now, do everything based on your tomorrow because you don’t know when you will meet this particular person so always think of the future before you, you know, make any step or take any step or take any action think of tomorrow, what will happen? Will I still be this same person? Will I need this kind of relationship? Just think of your tomorrow and don’t focus on jayejaye for now.

TWTsBlog: Just the way the bible says before God made the woman, He said he does not want the man to be alone so, He made a help, He made a support that was meet, that was suitable for him. So God literally made a suitable support for Him. But now, the guys are now just turning the women to chop and go enterprises meanwhile, this is support that you need.

Guest: very very wrong.
TWTsBlog: And I just feel like even apart from the relationship area, I feel like just generally as females, I really strongly feel like its our duty whether we realize it or not to support our male counterparts.

Guest: Its our duty to help you people o
TWTsBlog: Its our responsibility to help them. (we both laugh). The only problem is that I feel like ladies approach guys with the mind of get something from them

Guest: Yea, most ladies actually, not all
TWTsBlog: Yes, most ladies. But even on a friendship level sometimes, ladies still relate with guys on the level of get something from them. And I feel like this is not just ladies, this is a human thing because also, guys approach ladies with the idea of get something from them.

Guest: Amo (however), today we are focusing on our weaker vessels
TWTsBlog:(laughing) Na she talk am o, its not my voice.
Guest: But thats just the truth
TWTsBlog: But its the truth. Although they have this hard front.

Guest: We are not talking about the physical muscle you guys are carrying about or your beard.
TWTsBlog: And the face
Guest: We are talking about the inner part, inner part. Like an average lady is way stronger than an average guy.

TWTsBlog: yea, on the inside… and really, its our responsibility so… But what do you think we can do differently?…
Guest: Ha….

TWTsBlog: I feel like we are doing the first thing already
Guest: Which is…addressing?
TWTsBlog: Which is recognising.
Guest: that you guys got a problem
TWTsBlog: Yes, and addressing it
Guest: I would say that the best thing we can do as ladies is to see every guy as our equal
TWTsBlog: (clap)s, please, bottle of cold juice… very cold pepsi

Guest: so whatever I am going through, I expect that you go through the same thing. So whatever I feel, I know that this person also feels that way. So, I should just see you as my equal, that way you would even be able to relate with me and open up to me. You would share things that you are going through because you know that oo, this lady doesn’t expect me to be perfect. She does not expect me to have it all settled one hundred percent. She sees me the way she sees herself like… so I can open up and you know relate with you and I think… yea, thats what every lady out there needs to do.

I mean, when it comes to marriage, the man is the head of the family bla bla bla…we know all those stuff, but right now, we are talking about when it comes to relationships especially with what guys are going through right now. Committing suicide… like… I know that girls do that too but guys that do it now, it baffles me because these guys all look perfect on the outside…

TWTsBlog: …and some may never commit suicide but that don’t mean that they are very alright
Guest: there are still lots of depressed guys out there
TWTsBlog: some of them are actually carrying burdens
Both of us: yes…

TWTsBlog: So, you’ve made two very valid points, a male to a female, a female to a male, you don’t have to be the boyfriend or girlfriend or wife or anything. You are a female. I feel like you have a responsibility… sorry. When we were made, we were made to be a support that was suitable. We must recognise, they are weaker. No 1. Equal (not in any kind of position but in being human) No 2. Remove expectations. Remove any expectation, you want to get this from him…,No. Treat him like a human, just like you are, just like yourself.

Guest: I think its high time we started taking these guys seriously when they open up to us.They might say it in a very “jokingly” way… like they might not be serious with it like… oga, I am down o abi… babe, I’m just tired of… and you just say “how can you be tired of…” let’s take them more seriously and give them our listening ears, that’s what they need. These guys will not tell you these things intoto (in-depth) because of their ego which is something we are going to address on another. Yes, your ego… hmm… its not that its not good o… but sometimes, it does more harm than good, that’s it

TWTsBlog: acknowledge them… like… allow them feel at home with you. When they start feeling at home, you see that burden they are carrying, they will let it out
Guest: They will lay it at your feet… but you’re not Jesus… but they are gonna lay it at your feet

TWTsBlog: I’ll just add one more thing. Create boundaries. Hmmm… Its not that you’ll say you are caring about him, its not that you’ll say you are treating him as your equal, you are this, you are that, you are creating a conducive environment. Next thing we know, you people are… it has turned to another thing
Guest: carry belle
TWTsBlog:I did not even…
Guest: Wisdom is profitable to direct

TWTsBlog: I do not even know….Some people will say they are smart, but that don’t mean y’all have to end up in bed together, No. Just recognize it as you are treating him as a human being, as an equal, as you would treat a fellow female that is your friend. You don’t approach a fellow female because you want to collect money from her or because you want to sleep with her or something… except you are "Lez".

So, please relate with them just like… just like your fellow female, just like a human, just like a human really. Create boundaries, You are not in this so that you can sleep with him, you are not in this so that you guys can kiss, you are not in this so that he can give you money. You are in this because he is a human. So please, just like she has said, lets recognize our men, let’s acknowledge that they are not… hmmm.. I hope that you have enjoyed this chat.

I really feel like this chat spoke to me, because…hmmm… before I had this conversation with this guy.. I have quite a number of male friends and I’m always like this with them…like… I would… they would tell me…and I’ll be like… you… you are not alright. Although, once in a while I actually do listen, once in a while… when we get really really close, I actually do listen but most times I’m like… let me hear word joor, you jo…mtchew… I always dismiss it… but yea, I think this is a call to me to change and to everyone of us.

Yea Our guys, we care about you o. You see, we dedicate a whole conversation to you, see. Can you see it? And those that have been asking for a conversation addressing males, yea, you got it. One just for you, two girls, sweet girls….
I hope you have enjoyed this chat, we both did. Do us a favor, share it with someone that needs to read it.

Much love! Besos!!